Dear Tanya,
Without getting into my own personal motives for writing this, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for the way things ended between us. We had been through a lot together and you deserved more than just a message on your answering machine. I doubt that it's any consolation, but I spent the next 3 months trying to build up the courage to set things right. But each time I got close, I convinced myself that you'd be better off never hearing my voice again.
I heard that you got married a few years back. I'm legitimately happy for you and I hope that he's everything you need in a man and a husband. You really are one of the few truly good people I've ever met in my life so I'm glad that things are working out for you.
I actually saw you at the airport a few weeks back. You were about 50 feet in front of me in the Security line. It looked like you were with some friends. I was going to try to catch up to you in the terminal, but I think it would have been a little too awkward, considering. Still, you looked great.
Anyway, I just wanted to get this all on paper so you'd know that I really regret being such a painful episode in your life. I really never meant to hurt you. But I hope that you get the life and the happiness you deserve.
Sincerely,
****
Sunday, November 17, 2024
Crash
She'd driven winding paths before
twisted & curvy, hills and bumps
she reveled in it really
making the road her own
riding every single one
of the 280 horses
at her fingertips
under her seat
rushing through her veins
She downshifted just as she'd done
a thousand times before
left foot synchronized with the right
taking the top of the curve
effortlessly turning the wheel
down into the turn
the tires begin to slip
Her determined, self-satisfied grin disappears
and is replaced with something else
surprise, fear, excitement, anticipation
the back end starts to slide out
the car begins to scream
her knuckles are drained of blood
her pupils fill her eyes
the sky is the ground and the ground is the sky
once, twice, three times, more
her hands are jolted off the wheel
her body slammed against the door
then back to the other side
whiteness explodes in her face
softening the blow
she's smiling now
one last floating spiral
through the air, through the dust
suspended animation
and in that fraction of a second.......
a pure blanket of freedom
twisted & curvy, hills and bumps
she reveled in it really
making the road her own
riding every single one
of the 280 horses
at her fingertips
under her seat
rushing through her veins
She downshifted just as she'd done
a thousand times before
left foot synchronized with the right
taking the top of the curve
effortlessly turning the wheel
down into the turn
the tires begin to slip
Her determined, self-satisfied grin disappears
and is replaced with something else
surprise, fear, excitement, anticipation
the back end starts to slide out
the car begins to scream
her knuckles are drained of blood
her pupils fill her eyes
the sky is the ground and the ground is the sky
once, twice, three times, more
her hands are jolted off the wheel
her body slammed against the door
then back to the other side
whiteness explodes in her face
softening the blow
she's smiling now
one last floating spiral
through the air, through the dust
suspended animation
and in that fraction of a second.......
a pure blanket of freedom
The Hotel Room
Warm champagne spoils in a bucket of water
one lipstick-ringed plastic cup
three broken french manicured nails
black cumberbund draped over the back of a chair
silky petals sleep on the carpet below
Tuxedoed groom slumped unblinking in the corner
his shirt slowly turning from red to brown
scattered envelopes litter the bed
Her never-worn teddy stuffed in the trash
the morning sun peeks through the drawn curtains
both key cards tossed on the dresser
"Do Not Disturb" sign hastily hung on the knob
Overturned lamp next to the still-made bed
neighbors still upset from the newlywed's vigor
two calls to the front desk complaining about the noise
six-inch stiletto dropped thoughtlessly in the sink
Simple yet beautiful wedding dress hung up with care
jeweled heels placed perfectly beneath
a note scribbled on a napkin & pinned to the pillow
unconsummated air grows stagnant in the room
one lipstick-ringed plastic cup
three broken french manicured nails
black cumberbund draped over the back of a chair
silky petals sleep on the carpet below
Tuxedoed groom slumped unblinking in the corner
his shirt slowly turning from red to brown
scattered envelopes litter the bed
Her never-worn teddy stuffed in the trash
the morning sun peeks through the drawn curtains
both key cards tossed on the dresser
"Do Not Disturb" sign hastily hung on the knob
Overturned lamp next to the still-made bed
neighbors still upset from the newlywed's vigor
two calls to the front desk complaining about the noise
six-inch stiletto dropped thoughtlessly in the sink
Simple yet beautiful wedding dress hung up with care
jeweled heels placed perfectly beneath
a note scribbled on a napkin & pinned to the pillow
unconsummated air grows stagnant in the room
Stupid People Getting What They Deserve
So I go to the same diner a few times a week. It opens at 6AM so I can stop in on the way to the office. Sometimes I have breakfast, sometimes I'll just pick up something for lunch later and sometimes I'll just have a couple of cups of coffee. There's a regular crowd that time of the morning but they're good at leaving you alone if that's what you want.
Anyway, there's this bus boy that's been working there for a while. I'm not sure what his problem is (cleft palate maybe) but he talks really funny and he scampers everywhere he goes. Annoys the hell out of me. I used to keep dropping my silverware on the floor just to watch him scurry back and forth.
So I get in there this morning and what happens? Little retarded busboy comes over to take my breakfast order! I couldn't believe it. He wasn't that great of a busboy so why the hell should he be promoted to waiter? I don't care how busy they are, I shouldn't have to listen to him try to lisp out the daily specials - "shaushage and home fwies".
But I was starving to death so I decided to just deal with it. I gave him my order but told him to make sure to wash his hands before he brings it back - I sure as hell didn't want to catch whatever he had. That got a laugh from the next table over. You could tell that they didn't want the bucket head bringing their food either.
So I watch him scamper to the kitchen, scamper to another table, scamper here, scamper there. Finally I just get sick of it. He comes out of the kitchen carrying this big ass tray of food to one of the tables in the back, heading right towards me not even paying any attention to where he's going. All it took was me barely sliding my foot out from under the table and WOOSH - the hairlip busboy flops onto the floor sending eggs & syrup everywhere. You should have seen it, absolutely hilarious.
So he's laying belly-down on the tile floor and looks up to see the whole place just laughing their asses off - he actually had a pancake on his head and powdered sugar all over his face - absolutely freakin' priceless. He gets up as fast as he could trying to clean up the mess he made - "I'm shorry, I'm shorry, I'm shorry".
Hopefully he'll be back bussing tables tomorrow morning.
Anyway, there's this bus boy that's been working there for a while. I'm not sure what his problem is (cleft palate maybe) but he talks really funny and he scampers everywhere he goes. Annoys the hell out of me. I used to keep dropping my silverware on the floor just to watch him scurry back and forth.
So I get in there this morning and what happens? Little retarded busboy comes over to take my breakfast order! I couldn't believe it. He wasn't that great of a busboy so why the hell should he be promoted to waiter? I don't care how busy they are, I shouldn't have to listen to him try to lisp out the daily specials - "shaushage and home fwies".
But I was starving to death so I decided to just deal with it. I gave him my order but told him to make sure to wash his hands before he brings it back - I sure as hell didn't want to catch whatever he had. That got a laugh from the next table over. You could tell that they didn't want the bucket head bringing their food either.
So I watch him scamper to the kitchen, scamper to another table, scamper here, scamper there. Finally I just get sick of it. He comes out of the kitchen carrying this big ass tray of food to one of the tables in the back, heading right towards me not even paying any attention to where he's going. All it took was me barely sliding my foot out from under the table and WOOSH - the hairlip busboy flops onto the floor sending eggs & syrup everywhere. You should have seen it, absolutely hilarious.
So he's laying belly-down on the tile floor and looks up to see the whole place just laughing their asses off - he actually had a pancake on his head and powdered sugar all over his face - absolutely freakin' priceless. He gets up as fast as he could trying to clean up the mess he made - "I'm shorry, I'm shorry, I'm shorry".
Hopefully he'll be back bussing tables tomorrow morning.
Not Quite Drunk Enough
Not quite drunk enough
to give her a call
to say her name out loud
to leave my door open
to throw away the key
to tell her I'm sorry
to explain why I'm an asshole
to ask her to come back
to tell her to stay away
to send her the letter
to remember her touch
to forget her voice
to stop picking her scab
to delete her number
to run to her
to make it better
to make it worse
to finish this bottle
to pass out in my chair
to open the childproof cap
to let her know how I feel
to give her a call
to say her name out loud
to leave my door open
to throw away the key
to tell her I'm sorry
to explain why I'm an asshole
to ask her to come back
to tell her to stay away
to send her the letter
to remember her touch
to forget her voice
to stop picking her scab
to delete her number
to run to her
to make it better
to make it worse
to finish this bottle
to pass out in my chair
to open the childproof cap
to let her know how I feel
Why She Went Away
I spent hundreds of hours trying to reach level 70 in WoW
I didn't ask who she was talking to while I watched TV
I offered her a drawer when she needed my entire home
I convinced myself that what she wanted was what I wanted
I pretended to sleep while she cried next to me
I turned away when she showed me who she really was
I took her to the same restaurant where I'd taken all my ex's
My only present to her wilted in the cheap plastic vase
I waited patiently on my couch for her to come over
I touched her where my last girlfriend liked to be touched
The only ink on my birthday card to her was Hallmark's
I thought my wants were more important than her needs
I cooked her dinner in the microwave
I thought she was ugly when she was never more beautiful
I wrote about inanity when I should have been writing to her
I let her think she wasn't important to me
I fucked her when she needed to be loved
That's why she went away
I didn't ask who she was talking to while I watched TV
I offered her a drawer when she needed my entire home
I convinced myself that what she wanted was what I wanted
I pretended to sleep while she cried next to me
I turned away when she showed me who she really was
I took her to the same restaurant where I'd taken all my ex's
My only present to her wilted in the cheap plastic vase
I waited patiently on my couch for her to come over
I touched her where my last girlfriend liked to be touched
The only ink on my birthday card to her was Hallmark's
I thought my wants were more important than her needs
I cooked her dinner in the microwave
I thought she was ugly when she was never more beautiful
I wrote about inanity when I should have been writing to her
I let her think she wasn't important to me
I fucked her when she needed to be loved
That's why she went away
The Rest of the Story - Tuesday at The Corner Bar & Grille
She emailed me after seeing me in the paper. Just a quote, eight paragraphs down. We hadn't talked in nine years, and then only a quick phone conversation when I came back to town. I asked her to lunch. At first she seemed interested, but she called back and said no. Then not a word for almost a decade.
She contacted me from her work email address. No matter what time of day we emailed, it was always from her work email. The conversations were always about her and me. Some here and there about her kids, but almost nothing about her husband. But it was always friendly and platonic. But still, lots of red flags. I even brought it up once. Asked her what her intentions were. She pretty much laughed it off and attributed it to my ginormous ego. From an Occam's Razor perspective, she was probably right.
So by now we're emailing back and forth fairly regularly. Not even about "catching up" topics. It was like no time had passed. And it wasn't even as if we were all that close back then either. She ran track at my sister school so we'd ridden on busses together. She high jumped and ran the 800, and I just pole vaulted so we had a LOT of time between events. You wouldn't even think we'd be a thing, especially if you saw her back then. Kinda mousy and slender (that my polite way of saying she was very flat-chested). Were were just mostly back-and-forth flirty, but we ended up getting together at regionals in a tent under the bleachers (if you know anything about track meets, particularly relays, they last a long long time with HOURS between your events). At the time, I was dating this college girl who was growing bored with dating a high school kid and she was dating the guy named Shawn who everyone else in the world except for her knew was gay. Like Adam Lambert gay.
Yeah, so we're mailing back and forth. And in my head I'm thinking it's strange that we hadn't exchanged phone numbers, but since I'm not a big phone-guy anyhow, I just look at it as a blessing.
I don't even remember which one of us suggested lunch. Probably me. We decided on a place halfway between my office and her house. And...... she stands me up. I sit there like a chump for an hour and a half (kind of ironic considering my history of being "stood up"). And since I don't have her number, I can't call her.
So I get back to my office and see that she's sent me several emails apologizing, something or the other came up, but maybe we can meet at the same place for drinks later if I was free. Now, if this was ANYONE else, I wouldn't have been free. I wouldn't have been free for a while. But I was free.
She stopped by on her way to work. She was a trainer (just not at Bally's), and showed up in her work clothes. I showed up in mine. Quite the pair.
So we talk about nothing.
She contacted me from her work email address. No matter what time of day we emailed, it was always from her work email. The conversations were always about her and me. Some here and there about her kids, but almost nothing about her husband. But it was always friendly and platonic. But still, lots of red flags. I even brought it up once. Asked her what her intentions were. She pretty much laughed it off and attributed it to my ginormous ego. From an Occam's Razor perspective, she was probably right.
So by now we're emailing back and forth fairly regularly. Not even about "catching up" topics. It was like no time had passed. And it wasn't even as if we were all that close back then either. She ran track at my sister school so we'd ridden on busses together. She high jumped and ran the 800, and I just pole vaulted so we had a LOT of time between events. You wouldn't even think we'd be a thing, especially if you saw her back then. Kinda mousy and slender (that my polite way of saying she was very flat-chested). Were were just mostly back-and-forth flirty, but we ended up getting together at regionals in a tent under the bleachers (if you know anything about track meets, particularly relays, they last a long long time with HOURS between your events). At the time, I was dating this college girl who was growing bored with dating a high school kid and she was dating the guy named Shawn who everyone else in the world except for her knew was gay. Like Adam Lambert gay.
Yeah, so we're mailing back and forth. And in my head I'm thinking it's strange that we hadn't exchanged phone numbers, but since I'm not a big phone-guy anyhow, I just look at it as a blessing.
I don't even remember which one of us suggested lunch. Probably me. We decided on a place halfway between my office and her house. And...... she stands me up. I sit there like a chump for an hour and a half (kind of ironic considering my history of being "stood up"). And since I don't have her number, I can't call her.
So I get back to my office and see that she's sent me several emails apologizing, something or the other came up, but maybe we can meet at the same place for drinks later if I was free. Now, if this was ANYONE else, I wouldn't have been free. I wouldn't have been free for a while. But I was free.
She stopped by on her way to work. She was a trainer (just not at Bally's), and showed up in her work clothes. I showed up in mine. Quite the pair.
So we talk about nothing.
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